Yes, we've done one of those funny list things! How original!
Shut up and enjoy it.
1. We do it for pleasure
And yet, the less we do of it, the more we enjoy it. If you fly around the course in three hours, shooting 65, you’ve had a great time. But a round that takes six hours and 130 shots is not – despite what logic suggests – twice the fun. Not. At. All.
2. Everything is called the club
The place you go to play it and the thing you use to play it are both called the golf club. That’s like a snooker cue being called the snooker snooker. “I’m just taking my golf clubs to the golf club.” It makes no bloody sense. Even the toasted sarnie you have in the golf club after you’ve finished using your golf clubs is called the club. What unimaginative simpleton came up with this nonsense?
3. It’s called the clubhouse
But if you take your clubs in and lay them on the sofa in front of the telly, people look at you like you’ve lost it.
4. Sometimes it’s better to miss the ball entirely
You’re stood on the tee. You have a swing and completely miss the ball. Never mind. You now play your second shot from the same position.
You make a great contact, the ball flies 280 yards through the air, takes an unkind bounce and finishes an inch over a sodding imaginary line between two white posts. Oh dear, that’s out of bounds, my friend. Back to the tee you go. But this time you’re not playing your second shot. Oh no. You’re playing your third. Yes, that’s right. You’re worse off than that guy who couldn’t even make contact with the bloody ball. Whoever said golf was meant to be fair?
5. Golf computer games get easier as you get better at them
Most computer games try to create a challenging but fair learning curve, so you don’t master them and get bored too easily, but aren’t put off by it being too difficult when you’re just starting out.
In golf games, you start off only being able to hit your driver about 11 yards, making it almost impossible to win. Then, as you get better, the game rewards you with a smorgasbord of power boosts, enhanced attributes and suped-up equipment, making winning virtual Majors easier than taking candy from a baby who’s two weeks into the Atkins Diet.
How does that make sense? It’s like giving beginners a handicap of scratch and then rewarding them with additional shots as they improve. So Jordan Spieth now plays off 28, while your uncle stepping onto the course for the first time plays off +6.
6. Everything comes to those who wait
Except good shots. If you have to wait five minutes for the green to clear, you’ve had plenty of time to calculate the distance and wind, prepare for your shot and groove the perfect swing, so the execution is just bound to be perfect when the moment comes. So why does that wait always precede a stone-cold top?
7. The guy you’re playing with hits his 3-wood twice as far as his driver, apparently
That must be the case, because why else would he be waiting for the green to clear 290 yards away, when he hasn’t hit a drive more than 170 yards all day?
8. The weather hates golf
That explains why it’s great all week while you’re at work, then horrendous at the weekend when you want to get out and play golf.
9. Your mates are no botanists
When you’re anxiously searching for your ball, painfully aware that five minutes has nearly elapsed. “Here it is!” comes the shout from Jim, your heart soaring as you’re saved a long walk back to the tee and your medal card is back in business. “Oh, no, wait, it’s a leaf,” he says, as you scamper over, clubs in hand.
10. Try to hit a fairway 60 yards wide and you’ll miss it.
But try to miss a branch two inches wide and you’ll hit it EVERY FLAMING TIME.
11. Golf buggies > Bugatti Veyrons
They have a maximum speed of 12 miles per hour, they’re about as aerodynamic as a fridge stuffed with hippos, and they’ve got as much power as your vacuum cleaner. So why are they so fun to drive?
12. Golf trousers are EXPENSIVE
“Excuse me, generic golf shop employee. Why are these trousers £140?”
“Ah, those are golf trousers, sir.”
“Right. It’s just they look a lot like normal trousers, what with the two legs, one waistband, little zip thing.”
“I see what you mean, but they’re made of GeoMesh SoloTech Vibe Fabric and Super Birdie Lining. They do wicking... and stuff.
"And they’ve got ‘PING’ written on them.”
"I'll take two pairs!"
13. Oh, so you heard that?
Shout fore as loud as you can and the group in front will still moan they didn’t hear anything as your ball dared to venture within 20 yards of them. Open a KitKat while they’re 80 yards away on the next tee, however, and they’ll react like you just set off a whole fireworks factory inside their eardrums.
14. The sky’s the limit
The guy you play with is a tidy player. Two-handicap. Very solid. Hardly ever hits a bad shot. He probably only skies one drive every 20 years. It just happens to be right after you’ve agreed to “let him have a quick hit” with your brand new driver. Thanks, I hated the crown being all one colour – it’s must better with that white mark on it.
15. After you blip the pin, your mate will ask you how far it is. You’ll tell him, and two seconds later he’ll grab his own laser and do the same thing.
Why are you doing that? Do you think the pin has moved? Perhaps it liked the look of the grass at the back of the green more than the front? Maybe it’s one of those new-fangled remote-controlled pins that I’ve heard absolutely nothing about? It's 154 yards. It's been 154 yards since we reached the tee, and it'll be 154 yards until they move the pin tomorrow, which, at this rate, is when we'll finish this round.
16. The worse you played, the more you’ll have to say about it
Someone asks how you get on in the monthly stableford. “45 points,” you’ll say, smugly, if you’ve played well, and that will be that. If you’ve had a nightmare though, you’ll regale the unfortunate questioner with a never-ending tale of missed putts, unlucky breaks, near-perfect tee shots that would have set up birdie chances if they hadn’t deflected off that bin and trees that came out of nowhere to intercept your perfect shot.
17. Normally intelligent people will say painfully stupid things
“You struck it well,” they say, as your drive arrows into a farmer’s field.
“Check!” they’ll cry, as their thinned lob wedge bounces across the green at 190 miles per hour.
"Needed one more club," they'll grumble, as a hideously fat 7-iron plops down 60 yards short of the green.